I moved.

“People are just people, they shouldnt make you nervous.” -Regina Spektor

Talent Show

Was a complete disaster. I wasn’t nervous all day until I got up there, then I had a panic attack in front of everyone. I started shaking but I still tried to do my talent. But I messed up the signs which made me more nervous and I just gave up. The whole class was laughing at me. I went to my seat trying to calm down but I couldn’t breathe and I was crying. I was trying to hide my crying so i couldnt get up and leave. Even in the next class I was still crying because I was so humiliated. So I just called my dad and I had to go home early. It was so bad that my dad doesn’t want me to go back to school next week. So that was probably my last day of school.

Rant thing

I feel like throwing up. I should just skip 6th bell tomorrow because I already know what will happen. I’ll procrastinate going up there while everyone else does their awesome talents for the talent show. I’ll say “after this person, I’ll do it” and when the time comes, I’ll chicken out. My heart will start to race and everything will spin. And when she asks if anyone else has a talent to show, I’ll notice how huge my class is and I wont do it. I’ll throw weeks of practicing away because I’m nothing but a coward.

Why am I so nervous about my talent show tomorrow oh god

What if no one is impressed. What if they laugh. What if they say something like “well that was dumb” after I’m done. What if I forget a sign. Jsueofwbsgsurnwpfb.

I’m going to try to talk to people today. I have a partner for my English project and I don’t even know her name because I’m too scared to ask. Wish me luck.

Rant.

My mom is a complete bitch. She doesn’t believe in anxiety and doesn’t think it’s a big deal. I can’t even go to a public school anymore because I have social anxiety disorder. I was telling her how I am invited to a picnic but I don’t want to go because i can’t eat in front of people. And she just rolls her eyes and says it’s not a big deal. Excuse me bitch, but fuck you. I HATE when people treat anxiety like it’s nothing.

deal with it.

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I wish I could use a notebook and write what I want to say to people, without people thinking I’m even more of a weirdo. Some selective mutes do it but I feel like no one would get it.

I hate it when people tell me to “just talk” like it’s so easy. i literally can’t. No matter how much I want to. Like in math class. I sit on the side of the room with girls I have nothing in common with, who only want to fight someone, and that I’m Pretty sure hate me. Meanwhile, on the other side of the room, there is a group of guys who seem totally awesome. They are funny, talk about interesting things, and one is even from the same state as me. But I can’t talk. And I can’t go over there, or say something simple like “I like that band too”. I just can’t. This fucking disorder is ruining my life. Ill look back on highschool and have to remember that I had no friends and there was nothing I could do about it.

Sorry. Rant over.

I wish I knew someone else who has social anxiety disorder/selective mutism..